Hello monkey

Yesterday my ego was very present. I woke up feeling so amazing, then it was like my ego decided that I can’t feel this good – there’s got to be something I need to worry about! So I started thinking about the French administration (great subject to think about during vacation by the way). I thought about all the things I need to deal with in the coming weeks. I didn’t stop until I had built up a feeling of anxiety, over the yet non-existing problems. Before I knew it the ego (what my sister and I now call ‘the monkey’) was in control. How can I just relax and have fun when I have so much to deal with? How did I think that I, as a non-French, could deal with the French administration when even French people struggle with it? The questions and concerns went on and on in my head. We call it ‘the monkey’ just because of this reason: nothing useful comes from letting the ego be in control. I solved nothing, I came to no useful conclusion and I didn’t take any action (how could I when I’m not even in the same country?). Why create problems when I don’t yet have any? All I did was to change to a negative mindset, which would make the situation more difficult to deal with.

Every time my sister and I notice that the ego is taking control, we say ‘Hello monkey’, as a way of helping the other one to notice its presence. Then we mentally hug the monkey, thank him for what he pointed out and then release whatever was brought to our attention. We tell him that everything is ok and that he doesn’t have to worry for us. Yesterday my monkey was slamming the big drums. He can tell that I don’t give him as much attention as I used to and he doesn’t like it. He will, however, get used to it. Once he accepts this, he will also feel better as the monkey actually never wants to be in charge. Today I’m happy because my monkey’s asleep. Maybe he got worn out from yesterday.

Guys

One thing I’ve looked forward to with being single, is meeting different kinds of guys. Going on romantic dates, sitting on the back of a vespa while driving through Paris and drinking wine while watching the sun go to bed (that’s what the French say about the sunset – I just love the expression). Sure I’ve had those moments, but I’m also struggling, because some things seem to repeat themselves. I’m not sure what to believe anymore – is it simply coincidences or is it the universe guiding me in the right direction?

In Paris you never just run into people, at least I don’t. I’ve randomly met one colleague two times in 2,5 years, that’s the most I’ve run into someone I know. Then there’s this one guy I’ve been seeing for a few months. I like him, but there will never be anything serious between us. Every time I’m out talking to someone I find a bit interesting – he shows up. It happened 7 times (!) the last couple of weeks. He thinks that I always have guys hitting on me and that I’m potentially stalking him. Lol. Then there’s another guy who I’ve talked about meeting at least 30 times, out of which we’ve actually managed to met 3 times. I’m not kidding. Either his train got stuck, someone ran out of phone batteries or I fell asleep. You name it – it happened.

When I was in New York in May, the spiritual woman told me that I would met a man there and that our roads already have crossed. Apparently we don’t know each other yet, he’s a few years older than me and American. Once I get to New York we will meet rather quickly, because we were supposed to have met two years ago. We will be happily married with three kids. I’m not sure I believe that everything’s already planned out for us, but what she said sounds good to me.

One night in New York, my sister and I had a bit of a failure night. We tried to get into clubs, but we just didn’t have any luck. While walking on the empty backstreets of Meatpacking at 3am, a guy in a smoking tumbled out in front of us. It seemed like he just came out of a party, he was super hot and a bit tipsy. While sort of still tumbling, he suddenly stopped, looked me into the eyes and said ‘hi’ while giving a smile to die for. Our roads literally crossed at that moment. I know it wasn’t much, but I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about this guy. Not obsessively, he just pops up in my mind from time to time. Who is he? Why was that moment so intense?

Maybe all these things doesn’t mean anything, maybe they do. At least they remind me that there’s someone special out there that I’ve yet to meet. That’s pretty awesome.

Living in abundance

Approach life from a position of abundance, instead of scarcity. Not only does this allow us to choose what we desire, it keeps us from settling for less than what we deserve. When we live life in abundance, we share with others as we have more than enough for ourselves.

Scarcity creates selfishness, fear and competition for what we think are limited resources. But there’s no race and there are no lack of resources, as long as we don’t take more than what we need. Abundance creates harmony.

Nature lives in harmony. The big trees don’t drink all the water in the forest; they take what they need and then let the smaller plants have the rest. In our bodies, taking more than needed is called cancer. It’s just not right.

“Abundance is not something we acquire, it’s something we tune into.” – Wayne Dyer

The pain of letting go

Now when I’m on vacation and I’ve had a few days to relax, certain feelings comes back. Things that I’ve been avoiding to deal with show up in my dreams. I know the time has come to face them.

I’m feeling fine with the fact that my ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend, but I didn’t yet process if he were to marry or have kids with her. Yesterday I tried to imagine these scenarios. How I would meet the two of them holding hands on the streets of Stockholm, how he would tell me that she’s four months pregnant and that they’re now engaged. I would hear from common friends that they’ve never seen him this much in love before. Some of my closest friends would be invited to his wedding and I would sit at home that day knowing that they’re saying “I do” for the rest of their lives. Normally I push these painful thoughts away, but now I stay in them. I take everything in, I feel it all. I welcome the pain with arms wide open. I look fear straight into the eye. It can’t hide anymore. I won’t stop until I’m at complete peace with these thought. I won’t stop until I let him go fully.

My mom asked me if I could ever imagine myself with him again and my direct response was “no”. Sometimes I wonder – even if I know that this is the right decision, why does it hurt so much?

A moment with the divine

I went back to the healer a few days ago. It was an overwhelming experience and I haven’t been able to write about it until now. I’ve felt how my mind, that’s been fading during the past months, had started coming back into my presence. My ego had started taking back control and thoughts were distracting me from being fully present. During my last appointment with the healer, she opened up my closed heart. This time she opened up the flow of power from my stomach. This power is what fuels the desires of the heart.

She used oils, sang and massaged my body. I could feel how I suddenly had a “ball of fire” in my throat. That was negative energy burning she told me. My throat also swelled up, almost to the point where I couldn’t breath, but I stayed calm because I knew I was in safe hands. In the healing process, old emotions surfaced and I was crying when they left my body.

When she was done I started asking questions about my future (I thought it wouldn’t hurt to check). She became noticeable annoyed with me and said that she will know when my higher spirit decides that I’m ready for it. When I continued asking questions she became even more annoyed, at one point she even screamed at me. I got very irritated and remember thinking that I’m never coming to her. Why did she get so angry? I was just asking some questions. She yelled: ‘You don’t understand do you?! Your future is now, what you think will happen. Everything is now, nothing else exists.’ I was very uncomfortable with being screamed at, then all of the sudden a thought hit me: it wasn’t me she was screaming at – it was my ego. At that very moment, something truly amazing happened.

Something strong, almost like a comet, came from above and into my lower stomach. It was so extremely powerful that I fell to the floor and started crying hysterically. Then she said: ‘Now you understand. Now you understand that you’ve never been alone and that everything your hearts wants you already have.’ I could feel how that empty space in my body, that room of loneliness filled up and I knew that I understood. I felt the connection to the universe, to the divine. It was extremely powerful and it was pure love. Then I became angry, angry of all the lies I’ve been taught throughout my life. When my ego was removed I felt how we’re all connected, that we’re never alone even though our ego can make us believe so. I was angry, sad, happy, grateful, disappointed – all at once.

After a while I tried to stand up, but I couldn’t. I had the same feeling in my feet like when they’re asleep, but it was 100 times stronger. She helped me stand up and when she touched my feet the went “boooing”, like when you hit a drum and the movement goes out in waves. I started laughing hysterically, but still I couldn’t move. She said that I’m not used to feeling this strong energy. After about 15 min I could start walking slowly. This was one of the most incredible, chocking and amazing experiences of my life. For a moment I was connected to the divine.