Now when I’m on vacation and I’ve had a few days to relax, certain feelings comes back. Things that I’ve been avoiding to deal with show up in my dreams. I know the time has come to face them.
I’m feeling fine with the fact that my ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend, but I didn’t yet process if he were to marry or have kids with her. Yesterday I tried to imagine these scenarios. How I would meet the two of them holding hands on the streets of Stockholm, how he would tell me that she’s four months pregnant and that they’re now engaged. I would hear from common friends that they’ve never seen him this much in love before. Some of my closest friends would be invited to his wedding and I would sit at home that day knowing that they’re saying “I do” for the rest of their lives. Normally I push these painful thoughts away, but now I stay in them. I take everything in, I feel it all. I welcome the pain with arms wide open. I look fear straight into the eye. It can’t hide anymore. I won’t stop until I’m at complete peace with these thought. I won’t stop until I let him go fully.
My mom asked me if I could ever imagine myself with him again and my direct response was “no”. Sometimes I wonder – even if I know that this is the right decision, why does it hurt so much?