Yesterday was very strange to say the least. I woke up with feeling of having an ‘internal battle’. One voice was telling me that “you can’t do this, what will you say to people when you’ve failed completely and need to find a proper job in Stockholm, not New York, Stockholm.” This voice is trying to break my self-confidence, to make me worried and insecure. The other voice is telling me to trust in myself, to take one baby-step at the time and to have patience. It’s telling me to have FAITH. It reassures me that everything I want to achieve can be done as long as I trust in the Divine plan of life. I like the last voice, not the first one.
All my plans got cancelled yesterday; my lunch, my coffee and 2 dinners. It was so strange that it all happened the same day. Then I get a call from a friend of a friend who needed to give me some documents for my friend who I will meet in Mexico. I don’t know this guy from before, but when we met he just said that he wanted to buy me a drink as a thanks for me coming to meet him. So we did. One drink turned into more and I ended cancelling my third dinner (yes, lots of plans now!). The friend that I know is very spiritual, so I figured he must be as well. He was extremely direct, a bit intimidating but I also got a good vibe from him. I told him about my plan with New York and he instinctually said “you won’t stay in New York very long, you’ll come back to Europe and be closer to home“. He said that it was my higher-self telling him this, not him. NOT AGAIN. Why do I keep hearing things from people that make me question what I’m doing??
Then, without me asking anything, he started telling things about me. He said that my period in France has been good but also very difficult, as it had included a lot of suffering. Before I go to New York it’s important that I take some time to rest, so I don’t bring this suffering to New York. He said that I need to start breaking old habits and only then can I find my ‘better self.’ I agree on this because I know I’ve taken on some bad habits from my period in France, I feel more insecure of myself for instance. He said that the front side of me holds all my emotions, my potential fragility, and my back is where I have my strength, my inner warrior. This I can feel very strongly… I often try to protect my chest because I can feel like my protection there is as thin as glass… it can easily break. I need to move my strength from my back to my front, so I can feel stronger – how I do this I’ll ask him. He also said that I have an ability to understand, connect and ‘get’ people. If I can do this and practice non-judgement I can easily develop this natural talent. It’s funny because this is related to my business idea. He also said that I’ll be successful in what I will take on.
He taught me a lot of interesting things. He had lived in Mali and when the headmen of the different tribes made deals with each other, in order for both parts to trust each other, one person kissed the other one on the eyelids. If the person who got kissed pulled away, he wasn’t sincere in his offering and if the person giving the kiss didn’t do it with love he wasn’t honest. That’s a whole new type of intelligence for making business. We also practised feeling each others energy by focusing on ‘the observer’ in each other, not the person. He wasn’t a man, I wasn’t a woman. By doing this I actually managed to feel him. I could feel that he was filled with compact and intense love, but that it was hidden behind a thick layer ‘warrior’ spirit. We were in a cool Parisian restaurant and I can imagine how weird we must have looked like, kissing each others eyelids and sitting quietly with our eye closed feeling the other person’s energy. Lol. I couldn’t really sleep well this night and as my thoughts were passing by I realized how much I’m thinking “I can’t“. This got to stop. Now. Period. For each negative thought I need to give myself many more positive ones.
To be honest, I’m very confused today. I know we met for a reason and as I’m writing I’m trying to understand exactly why. I don’t need more confusion right now. He told me that he knew we needed to talk even before we met. Why do people keep telling me things without me asking for it? Or am I asking for it subconsciously? I’m thinking seriously about going to some sort of retreat to really cleanse myself internally. Maybe one of those silent ones where you get in touch with your subconscious..?
Just as I finished writing, I got this text message from him “YOU WILL FIND YOUR WAY. DO NOT WORRY!” Lol 🙂