This is one of the most personal posts I’ve ever written. When I started this blog I made a promise to be nothing but open and honest, so here we go. When I saw my healer two days ago we talked about spots and the fact that I, at the age of 26, still have issues with this. She had told me before that when you have a problem with ‘humanity’, spots acts like a protection towards the outer world. Today she asked me what the reason behind it is. This is a question I’ve been trying to figure out for years, but sometimes with her I can suddenly have these insights. Same thing happened this time. I told her that when I was 13 years old, my family moved one year to a town outside San Fransisco. This year was extremely difficult for me. I had to start junior high school alone in a foreign country where I barely spoke the language. Everyone thought I could speak English, but in reality no one understood what I was saying. My ‘later to be’ friends told me this a few months later, that they had just pretended to understand me in the beginning because they felt bad for me. I also thought, before we went there to visit, that California was an island with about 20 inhabitants. Lol. Anyway, being 13 and a girl isn’t easy. Your body changes, you get your period, you doubt yourself more than any other period in your life. The one thing that defined me at this age were my friends, and those I had left behind in Sweden. I remember thinking that my dream job would be to become a librarian, because then I could just hide in the library without having to meet people (and I’m a very social person). I didn’t have any friends the first couple of months and I had a really hard time understanding and making myself understood in school… I was lost to say the least.
I remember writing down the names of people I wanted to become friends with in school.. Claire, Jill, Ashley, Rachel etc. I hoped that they would talk to me and start to like me. That we would have the kind of friendship that I had with my friends back in Sweden. I didn’t have any control of my situation so I desperately tried to change that, all unconsciously of course. I studied extremely hard. I stopped eating certain types of food, even though I did gymnastics over 10 hours per week and was already thin. I had nightmares and I was sleep walking. A couple of times I even showered and had breakfast in my sleep, only to wake up with corn flakes and milk all over the side of my face. The worst part was that this little 13 year old girl had suicidal thoughts. Every day on the way to school, I was riding my bicycle across the roads without looking if a car would come. If a car came, I was meant to be hit, I remember thinking. I didn’t see a point of living anyway. Writing this I can’t stop the tears from falling. No one should ever have to feel this way.
My parents, who did the very best they could, didn’t see how bad I was feeling. My mom was very focused on my little brother, he was 6 and had just started school, and my dad was occupied at work. My sister and I didn’t have a very good contact at this stage (she was 11 and we were on different stages in life), so I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to. This left me with a feeling of abandonment and the need to ‘protect myself’ from the outside world. I’ve spoken to my parents about this many times, and they know now how bad it was for me during this period. I don’t blame them for anything, they always did the best they could. My dad luckily started to take notice of the fact that I wasn’t eating properly and so often after gymnastic practise, he brought me to a place where we would have ice cream. We wouldn’t leave unless I had finished my part. I’m so happy he did this, because this was what stopped this negative cycle. We never talked about these things, but just sitting there and sharing an ice cream made me feel noticed and worth something. The year ended well and I actually made friends with the people I wanted to make friends with. However, until this day I’m still try to re-gain my feeling of security and to heal the feeling of abandonment. With talking, seeing the healer and bringing up old emotions, I know I’m on the path to ‘better’. I’m letting light shine on that dark part inside of me.
To my 13 year old self I want to hug her and say: “Don’t you worry sweetie, everything will be alright. You are never alone“.