There’s one situation that has been bothering me ever since my friend passed away. At one point, a few months before she decided to take her life away, she said to me “I don’t think I’m a lovable person, I don’t think anyone can love me.” When she told me this I was chocked – it was such a big, deep and devastating statement. I told her that she NEVER had to doubt this and that she is amazing exactly the way she is. We spoke about it for a while, but then moved on to other subjects. I have thought about this moment so many times, wishing I’d confronted her more as she clearly was asking for help. I’ve been wishing that I’d asked her more about these dark thoughts and that I’d asked the darkest question of them all: if she ever had suicidal thoughts. I didn’t because I wasn’t able to relate to her situation, I couldn’t understand the seriousness of her statement.
Today I did an exercise to go back into that moment and to change the situation into how I would have liked to have responded. I did this during deep meditation and as I was going through the scenario in my mind, I felt how something/someone was tickling the back of my neck. The sensation was very clear and it happened in the very moment I was telling her the version I would have wanted her to hear. I think that was her forgiving me and telling me that everything is going to be alright.
Kajsa, the day you died I made a promise to myself. It’s a promise I will always keep.
I promise to carry on your contagious smile.
The same one that would light up a room the minute you walked in.
I promise to laugh and never take myself too seriously.
I promise to love.