To jump

I can still remember the feeling. I was with my feet tightly tied together and as I was jumping out on the board my body was shaking like never before. In my mind I was thinking ‘this is it, now I’m dying’. I wiped away my last tears and made it to the last part of the board. A guy passed behind me and I desperately tried to grab him. I wasn’t ready yet. I needed more time. The instructor told me kindly but firmly to 1) not grab anyone and 2) relax, this was going to be fun. Yeah right, I didn’t know how feeling like you’re about to die could be related to fun, but I decided to trust him. He told me to look into a camera and smile. I didn’t. One… two… three! All of the sudden I was with my head first in the open air, screaming my lungs out. I had gone against everything that was normal – I had jumped out from a high point with just a rope tide around my feet. But how? I didn’t jump? Then I remembered that the guy had pushed me after I still didn’t move when he’d counted to three. My head suddenly dipped into the water and on the way up all I could think was ‘I’m alive!’. I was 19 years old and I had done my first (and probably last) bungee jump.

Now I’m having the same feeling all over again. I’m making another jump into the unknown. Sometimes I wake up in the mornings feeling so nervous, my mind gets me questioning if what I’m doing really is realistic. When I told a lawyer I met a few weeks ago about my plan, he just laughed. Then he said ‘well.. we better get busy then’. Last time I didn’t make the jump by myself, someone had to push me. This time I am the one taking the leap. I’m up on that board again, looking out over the horizon. My feet are tied together, I’m done crying and I’m ready to jump. I’m terrified, nervous and scared but also happy, excited and energetic. I can do this. My life is in my hands now and my hands only. This time I’ll smile into the camera. I’ll smile from the bottom of my heart, with all energy in my body and with the faith that universe will catch me when I fall.

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