Being alone, why is it so difficult?

I moved by myself to Paris about 2,5 years ago. I only had two acquaintances that I briefly knew, and when they asked if I wanted to move in with them I gratefully said YES. After 4 months, our living situation became unbearable. They constantly fought and one of the guys completely changed his behavior to being rude, egoistic and un-empatic. One time when my I cried, because my grandpa had just died, he told me to stop being so sensitive and ruin the evening because they had a friend visiting. Basically, I had no other choice than to move out. My friends already had housing figured out and I was dreading the fact that I had to live alone. I remember my mom telling me: “Maria, you HAVE to be able to live alone. You will regret it all your life if you’re not capable of being by yourself”. So I finally did. The first four nights I wasn’t able to sleep, I was too scared. When I walked home at night I always thought someone was following me and weekends without plans meant a disaster. 

I was terrified, but of what? Myself I guess. At the same time I was desperate to find my passion and my true meaning of life. Today I know that just doesn’t work – we will never find ourselves if we have a fear of being by ourselves.

After several months I became more comfortable of being alone, but it wasn’t until I started meditating that I went from being comfortable to truly enjoyed it. Now, I go to myself to recharge my battery. I don’t depend on external factors for that. Even though it was tough seeing the true me – I discovered issues and sides of myself that I didn’t particularly like – it was the greatest gift I could ever given myself. Only by facing them, I could address and resolve them. 

When you accept and acknowledge who you are, you won’t try to be something you’re not. 

 

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