Sometimes life hits you hard, so hard you can barely stand up. In December I lost a friend/colleague. She brought me into her life with arms wide open and became my first friend in Paris. The day they told me she was dead, I couldn’t understand who they were talking about. Was this some old person I didn’t know? I couldn’t believe it – it was unreal and not fair. She was only 26 years old.
During Christmas I went back to Sweden and my family. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and if I did I had horrible nightmares. I remember one night in particular, drifting in and out of sleep, and I could no longer separate the nightmares from reality. I remember thinking: “now is when I go mad“. Back in Paris, I hated seeing her empty desk at work. It was so clear; she was gone and she wasn’t coming back. It all got too much, and finally I had a panic attack.
I look at death in a different way today and it doesn’t scare me anymore. I wise person told me this: “Maria, be happy for your friend because she has relieved herself from the heavy burden that is the body: I’m thirsty, I’m hungry, I’m hot, I’m cold, I’m tired, I’m sick, I feel pain here and there.. Be happy for her because, wherever she is now, she is entirely safe from suffering and in complete peace. Accept that her body has disappeared and realize that there is no death, but a move as we all are eternal souls inhabiting a body for a while. Her body is gone, but her soul lives in your heart whenever you think of her. Everything in life happens in perfect divine order and everything happens for the best, even though we sometimes don’t understand it. I am sure your friend is thankful to you for your friendship“.
I still miss her a lot, but we keep in touch. She continues to come and visit me in my dreams, although now it’s only positive moments. She hugs me, laughs with me or write me things on Facebook. I know that we will see each other again some day, but until that day comes (which I hope is in a loong time), I hope she continues to visit my dreams.