Shitty day

Today was a shitty day, everyone around me seemed to have a shitty day. Paris is not the best city when you’re not feeling great. It’s almost like the city knows it and is trying to make you feel just a little bit worse: Parisians are being rude, waiters are having the attitude like you’re the most annoying person ever and the cars are almost running you over, even though it’s your time to cross the street.

Why was my day so shitty? I was panicking over what I’m getting myself into: I’m leaving my job to do what my heart is telling me to do. If someone would have told me this 6 months ago I would have laughed and asked if they were crazy. I’m used to making rational, logical and realistic decisions, not simply following my feelings. Inside I’m convinced about my decision, but sometimes it’s difficult to stand steady when it feels like the world around is trying to make me fall. I know what I’m doing might sound crazy to others and that makes me also question it. Haven’t I challenge myself enough? I’ve lived abroad three times in my life – last time I moved alone to a country where I didn’t’ even speak the language. I’ve fought, cried and been broken down to a point where I just wanted to give up everything. That time I had a boyfriend to comfort me, this time I’m really alone alone.

When a thunderstorm of feelings comes, it’s difficult to handle – no doubt about that. But that doesn’t mean it’s not ok. Today, I took a long walk, while telling myself: “Ok, so I feel scared, anxious, stressed, worried and nervous, that’s clear. It’s ok that I have those feelings”. Instead of pushing the negative feelings and discomfort away, I’ve learned to acknowledge and observe them. When we accept and surrender to our feelings, they stop serving a purpose and slowly disappear. It’s like magic; works every time. The feelings are inside of us, so why shouldn’t we be able to control them? 

Walking back home I listened to Riptide with Vance Joy, my favorite song at the moment, and looked out over Seine. I realized that Paris and life itself is pretty damn amazing – even if it’s been a shitty day. 

 

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