A first step

Here I am in my 24m2 Parisian apartment that’s been my home for the past two years. Looking back to when I first arrived here, I can barely believe how much that has happened and how much I’ve changed. Two incidences affected me a lot during this past year: my 7 year long relationship came to an end and a few months later, a friend drastically passed away.  This caused a lot of pain, which pushed me to the limit of what I could handle. I had horrible nightmares, panic attacks and a constant feeling of anxiety. During the week I focused on passing the day and during the weekend I drained my sorrows in alcohol and partying. People told me to be stronger, that this is life and I just have to accept it since more things like this will happen. “C’est la vie”, as they say in France. In my mind I was thinking that if this is life, I don’t like it. It’s simply too much pain and suffering. 

At this time, when I was at my very breaking point, I met a guy from Spain.  The first time we met he told me things about myself that I’ve been trying to figure our for years. He talked about my parents and our relationship, where I am in life and how I was behaving. Everything he said was true. I even called my parents to confirm what he had said about them. I was in chock, was this for real?

We met for a few weeks before he moved to South America. During this period he did healing on me, one of the greatest experiences I ever had in my life. He replaced negative energy in my body with positive energy. It might sound strange to someone who hasn’t experienced this, but I could really feel how the energy was moving within my body. For example, one minute I had a stomach pain and all of the sudden it was gone and the negative energy left. My body was moving like I had an epileptic attack and I’m sure I would have freaked out if I saw myself from the outside. After the healing, I laughed hysterically non-stop for 45 min. It was like I was high, there was no way I could stop. The Spanish guy opened up the door for me to something amazing, and I knew right there and then that life is meant to be beautiful.

With time, it all became more and more clear to me: I wasn’t connected with myself at all and I didn’t follow my heart. I’m not in the right place (Paris) and I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing (marketing for a big multinational company). After the healing sessions, a stranger came up to me on the street to tell me the same things as the Spanish guy. Why would a random person come up to me on the street to tell me things about me? This had never happend before. Something was happening, more and more signs came telling me that I need to change. And I need to change big.

With this, my view on life changed completely. I went from thinking that life is tough, hard word and with of ups and downs, to now believing that it’s simply magical. Things I thought I always wanted aren’t interesting any more: that promotion I worked so hard to get, job offerings from other great companies, a pay-raise and generous bonuses. People around me ask if I’m depressed, on drugs or simply having a “phase” or life crisis. How can I not appreciate what I have? I’m living in the romantic city of Paris, earning a good salary and working with people that also are my friends. I don’t want to be  ungrateful and these things are truly great – it’s just not right as it is now for me. Feelings I’ve unconsciously suppressed for so many year have during the past months manifested strongly through my body, they’re so strong that I can’t resist any more. When I’m at work, my body is screaming: “Get the hell out of here, this isn’t for you”. Several times, I’ve left meetings saying that I’m sick just to go home and cry. I’ve wondered if I’m psychological ill, weak or if I’ve developed something like social phobia. Everyone else seems to be handling it, so why couldn’t I?

When I was in New York two weeks ago to visit my sister, I saw a spiritual woman who helped me a lot. She could see my past, present and future. When she told me where I’m meant to be, I started crying. These were thoughts I had deep deep inside of me but I didn’t dare to even think them because it would be too good to be true. I’d simply learn to ignore my dreams and instead focus on what’s realistic to do, with the fear of being disappointed. With her help, I’ve finally made the decision to listen to my inner voice and take the leap of faith into the un-known. My goal is to live my life the way it’s meant to be lived and find my fullest potential. I don’t know what this is exactly and I don’t know what to expect. It will be tough, difficult and it will shake me to my inner core. Despite this, I am determined to find my inner truth, my calling and my mission here in life. Step-by-step I will get there and tomorrow I’m taking the first one by quitting my job. 

Fear kills more dreams then failure ever will. 

Let the journey begin.

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